One of Life’s Many Challenges

Posted on April 9, 2011 by

I conducted a mystery shop at a bank in Arlington, Virginia. Took about 30 minutes to get there with traffic. Traffic was actually pretty good. That is until I got to Columbia Pike. There was a little construction going on and cars had to merge to the right. A cab driver put his right signal on and indicated that he wanted to get in front of me. Not! Cab drivers are notorious in jumping in front of cars, then coming to a complete stop to pick up a passenger. They wreak havoc for cars on the road and I wasn’t having any of that. So I inched forward so he couldn’t get it. The next two cars behind me did the same thing. Will that teach the cabbie a lesson? I doubt it, but it felt good blocking him. So, I made it to the bank and conducted the shop. The representative I spoke with was very polite and professional. When it was time to leave, I noticed a little old lady standing in the lobby. She was asking people for a ride. When she saw me as I was leaving, she said, “Are you going down Columbia Pike and could you give me a ride, just two miles down the street in Pentagon City?” To myself, I said, “What’s the harm?” The lady was 4’9″ tall, petite, with a hump in her back. She was a white woman with her silver hair neatly tucked in a bun. What could she do to me? So, I said OK and proceeded to take her down the street. We went outside the bank and it had started to rain again. I pointed to my car at the parking meter but she didn’t want to get wet. OK. ,
She said she was going to ask someone in the bank if they had an umbrella and suggested I pull my car around. I said OK. The rain was really coming down and I remembered I had to phtogragh the exterior of the bank. So I quickly took pictures of the bank and ran back to the car. I started it and pulled into the lot and made my way to the front eentrance. She came out and opened the door. I asked her, “Are you able to open and close the door?” It was an innocent question. She looked frail and weak. She looked at me and retorted, “Are you able to open and close the door?” I said yes and she said, “Well, so am I.” She took offense to my question and I apologized. She said she have feelings too. I felt bad for asking.

So, we make it out of the lot and at the traffic light, the rain really started to come down. She said, “You have to put your wiper blades on and you need to have it on high because the rain can completely cover the windshield and you won’t be able to see.” I put the the blades on high. Then she said, “And what’s this fan blowing, it’s too hot. It’s irritating. I need air.” I turned the heat off and opened a window for her. She started messing with the window switch and I put the window lock on. I opened her window and she started playing with the button saying, “I’m trying to roll the window up.” I rolled it up for her and she said, “Thank you.” She even said, “I should have got in the back seat.” It was clear that she was irritated.

Then, she said, “My name is Karen.” I said, “My name is Joan.” But that didn’t change the strange vibe I felt with this woman. A little ways up the street, and she says, “You may want to get in your right lane, there contruction up ahead. I can see if from my side.” The implication here was that I should have seen the construction ahead but there was an SUV ahead of me. That’s why I couldn’t see like she did. But I kept quiet. Then she told me to make a right and there would be another right but there is no sign. So I made the right and at the second right, as she said, there was no sign. Soon we were at her stop. She asked that I give her a minute to get out. I waited patiently, she got out and said, “Thank you.” I told her to enjoy her weekend. She said OK and that ride was finished. I was able to breathe easy because for the last 20 minutes, this person I didn’t know, had complete control over the ride.   And, I had regressed completely to that of a small child and allowed this stranger to dominate the ride.

 

Written by Joan Nyobe

Posted in Life, Spiritual | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Another Look at Inmates …From An Officer’s Point of View

Posted on October 3, 2010 by

“Hey you out there in the real world!, Don’t look at me as though you hold stereotypical thoughts.  I am not like every inmate and all inmates are not alike. I am not coming back here when I get out. Hell, I only have a misdemeanor charge and that was for petty theft. I am not a menace to society and I am not a recidivist. I have never been locked up before in my life. When I get out, I am going to get a job, make some money and pull myself together. There is no reason why I should wind up back in here.  I hate this place.

The stinking cells and the so-called correctional officers. Some of them think that they are above us thus, better than we are. Hello!, it’s because of us inmates, that you even have a job in the first place. Some of the officers commit the same crimes that we do. They just don’t get caught. But getting caught doesn’t mean that society is rejecting me and I am thus labeled a bad seed. It only means that I am paying for a crime that I committed and once I have paid for my crime, the wrong doing has been repented.

Don’t look down on me man!  I am human! I have feelings! I am not all bad, so why must I be treated as though I am an animal. Hey, you talk about white man and slavery times. How they used to beat on us and treat us like animals. Some of you officers are doing the same thing. Only you are degrading your own race. We are both black and we are brothers and sisters. Yet you beat on us brothers and treat us the same they did us generations ago.

“Clear the dining hall and go back to your cells,” is what you say to us as you look down on us and treat us as if we can never be as good as you are. We are then subjected to moral and physical deprivation. You deprive us of the chance to feel good about ourselves.  You take that away as you treat us as inmate numbers instead of as human beings. You forget the human qualities we do have.  You look through my jumpsuit, my jail house attire, and see nothing for you are incapable of expressing sympathy or empathy.

Placing yourselves in our shoes will without a doubt enlighten you on a few facts. Some of us are as good as you are, if not better. And for some of us, it’s not too late to mend our ways.  Remember to observe the one quality we all share.  We are all human.  We all share the same human characteristics.  Don’t look down on me and think all inmates are alike.  Hey, what if I thought all correctional officers were alike?

That they don’t attempt to correct or rectify wrongdoings as they are paid to do. They in groups beat on us and do everything but spit on us. And some of you do that too. You make us feel so bad that we feel hostile and resentful. We begin to feel hatred, first on the officers and then on society. Then we play games on the officers.  It is an exchange ideal that we do this. We retaliate in making the correctional officer corrupt.

“Get favors out of them, turn them into drug mules, make them lose their job and sometimes, just make flunkies out of them.”  Some of the officers deserve to be make fools of as they degrade our wellbeing each and everyday. We even get some of you to fall prey to our sexual whims. You see, when we get locked up, we feel bad enough.  We weren’t put here  to meet with your individual specifications. We are here to pay for a societal wrong, not to entertain your sick minds.

You, the corrupt, wear your badge for the wrong reasons. And after you have conditioned us thoroughly in a negative sense and still have the gall to call yourselves correctional officers, you then run for your paychecks as if services were rendered. I suggest you re evaluate yourself and your purpose in being here before you destroy the entire concept of corrections completely. All you are supposed to do is maintain security with a sustained level of accountability.

You lock us up and make sure we don’t escape. Then, you provide a positive environment conducive to rehabilitation. You respect our rights to which we are entitled.  We all need not be treated like animals to respond to your orders within your official capacity. Some of us are intellectually inclined and maybe more so than you are. Keeping this in mind, you will have no trouble dealing with us inmates. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound in cure.”

written by Joan Nyobe

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

My Mother’s Approval

Posted on September 25, 2010 by

For years, I cared about what my mother thought of me. I valued her opinion because she was the head of the house and I respected her. But, as I grew up, I have come to realize that I have been wasting my time and energy looking for approval from her. She could careless about me. Yes, I live in her home but I am just existing until I can do better. I got trapped with her because for a long time she was my safety net. When I fell, she would provide a cushion for me to land on. She bailed me out of trouble and she was there for me while I was self destructing. However, when I started pulling myself together and got my business back up and running, she changed. She started treating me like I was an intruder. Whenever she needs legal paperwork done, it’s all good and I’m treated like a human being. But as soon as the deed is done, right back where I started with sub human tendencies. The root of my problems starts and end with her and her family members.  I’ve been sexually or physically assaulted by many of them. And mentally abused by my mother.

I had all three of my children while home with her and she helped me raise them. Then, she took over and raised them when I was self destructing. If any problems came up with my children at school or any paperwork needed to be done, I was called and solved  the problem almost immediately. You see, I am only useful as a word-smith. Once my usefulness is over, I am thrown aside.  I was cool with this when I had my children but now that they are grown, her behavior is taking a toll on me.  The older my mother gets, the worse she gets. I have been bitten by her twice, scratched and hit. I am being literally abused by an elder. I thought all of  the abuse was over with.

She wants me to pay rent right? However, there’s a 12 midnight curfew, I can’t have company, I have to beg for a bath and beg to get my clothes washed.  Just me. My kids can come and go as they please and bathe whenever.   She  just started out busting into the bathroom to make sure I was taking a bird bath. I would be completely naked and she would just charge in. She would bust into my bedroom while I’m sleeping naked.  I can’t go into full details of what I have done for her because the legality of some of it is in question.  There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her and now, I have her ass to kiss, each and everyday.  After all I have done, I get her ass to kiss. How ghetto is that?

Well guess what? I am done being her foot stool. I am done seeking her approval. She holds my children in high regard and I am cool with that but she has thrown her purse at them so much that they are stuck. Only one of the three is working at building a future. Two of them don’t know what they want and are trapped inside the box. They are not hungry and have no real desire to succeed. I never wanted that for my children. I wanted them to grow up and leave but it looks like the only way they can leave is if I leave. My credit was on the mend until my youngest son defaulted on his cellular phone bill that was in my name. $1,000 dollars in default, I have a new business and can’t afford to pay the bill, so my credit is dead again.

Instead of paying my son’s bill, my mother bought him a new laptop, new video games, gamefly and netflix subscriptions, clothes and allowed him to quit his job and just lay home. She even started a savings account for him too but the bill he left on me is OK with her. There is no value lessons being taught here. And, I’m tired. I tired of jumping through hoops trying to please someone that can’t be pleased.  When I do move and it will be soon, I won’t look back or even call for at least six months. Then, and only after six months, I’ll call back and check on my children. And help the ones that want to see outside the box.

written by Joan Nyobe

Posted in Children, Family, Love | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Easter 1964

Posted on September 10, 2010 by

Easter Sunday, 1964. I was all dressed up in a pink dress with white ruffles, cute white socks with ruffles and black patent leather shoes. My accessories were put together as well. I had a white hat with white gloves and a white purse. I looked very cute and I was very happy. I felt pretty for most of the day and I didn’t think anything or anyone could rain on my parade. I remember standing in the dining room with one foot on top of the other foot and my mother said, “Stop standing like that…standing like your father.” I felt proud because I loved hanging with my father and following his habits because I wanted to be like him one day.

The plan was to spend the afternoon at my grandmother’s house as we always did on holidays. However, in route to grandmother’s house, my two cousins that lived with us along with myself were dropped off at another cousins house.  I was told that he would bring us to my grandmother’s house a little later.  At our cousins house, I remember being bored out of my mind and wanted desperately to hurry up and go to my grandmother’s house. At grandmother’s house, all the grand kids would be there and I could show off and get some play time in.

We walked around the house waiting for my cousin to get dressed. He looked like an old man to me. I guess because I was 3 years old. His name was James and we had to wait around while he got dressed. Albert and Allen were the two cousins that lived with us at home. James came out and offered Albert, Allen and me a banana. We all took one and then James sent Albert and Allen in another room and told them to sit down and wait.  He took me to his bedroom where he was and sat me on the bed.

He positioned me on his lap, facing him and my legs were wide open. He put his lips on top of mine and I remember his tongue going in my mouth. Then he began fumbling with my panties, then he went past the panties and played with my vagina. He tried to slide his finger inside but I began to cry because it hurt. I saw that Albert was peeking into the room and saw what was going on. James stopped. Albert and Allen was getting restless and was wondering what was taking so long. Just as we were leaving, James told me not to tell anyone what had happened.

At grandmother’s house, I felt safe and comfortable. My mother was playing cards at the kitchen table with her siblings. She asked me if anything strange happened while I was at James house.  And I remember being so scared of him and shy around my aunts, uncles and grandmother, I went underneath the kitchen table where they were playing cards and told my mother what happened and pointed at my panties.

My mother became visibly upset and began cursing at James saying that she should call the police and have him arrested. He said that I was lying and they should not believe me. But who would not believe a 3 year old? Mommy was also mad at Albert for leaving me alone in exchange for a banana. I was deemed too young by the courts to testify at that time. I think James was forced to leave town because he was not seen or heard from for many years.

As I grew up, I later learned that James had once tried to look up my mother’s dress when she was young. And, she knew that he had a history of mental illness. From that moment on, Albert, who lived with us began molesting me regularly and until I was 11 years old. He learned from his uncle.  So I have to ask for this question begs for an answer: Why would she drop me at this perverts house with all males and I am the only girl, knowing that he once looked up her dress? Why would she allow that to happen? Then as soon as I get to grandmother’s house, she immediately asks if anything strange happened. She already had to know that something perverted happened. Why me?

written by Joan Nyobe

Posted in Children | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Am I Dreaming #3

Posted on September 10, 2010 by

I was a little girl, about 4 years old. We were at my grandmothers house and she lived on a horse shoe shaped street. I was playing out front and got bored, so I went around back to see what fun I could have. The back was just as boring as the front. No kids were outside playing at all. I saw someone’s door open and I just walked in un announced and without knocking. The house was three doors down from my grandmother’s house. I had no clue that I was supposed to knock first. As I walked through the kitchen, no one seemed to be home. It was awfully quiet. As I walked into the living room, there was a crib and inside the crib was a baby. The baby was laying peacefully playing with his toes. I stared at the baby wondering what it was like to be a defenseless baby and why his feet fascinated him so much.

All of a sudden, I did not see it coming. Someone grabbed me from behind. Next thing I know, I was hoisted in the air and brought back down head first into the baby’s crib. That’s when I noticed that the baby did not have a diaper on. My face was right up on the baby’s genitals and I could hear a voice say, “Suck it.” I screamed and clamped my mouth shut really tight and screamed through my closed mouth. Whoever it was tried to get me to perform oral sex on an infant.

Somehow, I broke free and was punched hard in my back. Then there was this sinister laugh that rang out as I ran from the house and back out the door I came in. I was terrified and felt like they would hurt me bad. I didn’t tell anyone. In fact, I never told anyone. You, my blog readers are the first to know about this. The situation replayed in my mind over and over until the next unfortunate situation took over my thoughts.

written by Joan Nyobe

Posted in Children | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Child Advocate

Posted on September 8, 2010 by

I will always be an advocate for children. Children are being raped, murdered, and kidnapped in record numbers. As a child, I was physically assaulted and sexually molested repeatedly by different family members. Needless to say, I didn’t have a voice growing up. Situations were quickly buried under the rug. So, I stopped talking and allowed the molestations to go on undetected. But when I grew up, things just didn’t feel right. I had a cousin try to rape me when I was 17 years old. As I started working in the workplace, I was sexually assaulted and sexually harassed. Mostly because I was quiet and would regress to childhood moments and allow the incident to take place and just pray that it would be done with quickly so I could get on with my life.  What life? I spent the bulk of my years self destructing and riddled in years of low self esteem. I couldn’t stand myself. I felt God had made a horrible mistake and placed me in the wrong century. I used anything to gain some sense of sanity because I really felt like I was losing my mind. I tried prescription medicines but it only left me doped up and permeated with different side effects. I tried street drugs too and the side effects of the street variety were much worse than the prescribed medicines. I started hanging with undesirable people because I wanted to belong somewhere and my family wasn’t the place where I felt safe. The streets were by far worse than anything I had ever seen.  Jail wasn’t far off. I got picked up right along with my associates and had to go to court before I could be found innocent or charges being dropped and/or thrown out of court.

No One could help me because in order to help me, they had to dig into my past. Digging into my past brought about more self destruction and wreaked even more havoc on my life.  I struggled to find my way and wound up in a lot of trouble before the smoke finally cleared. It wasn’t until I found God that the relief finally came into play. God started removing all the undesirable people from my life. And he showed me how to clean up the mess I had made out of my life. No one can clean you up like God can. I’m still going through day to day dramas that I will explain later, but with God’s help, all things is possible.

The point of this is to show the destruction child molesting can have on an innocent child. It warps everything out of control. The child don’t realize the molestation is wrong until he or she reaches the age of majority and learn from others how wrong the behaviors was. Then that child don’t know what to do with the information learned. Self blame comes in followed by self destruction. The person may never feel clean again. I am just now at the age of 50 beginning to feel clean. Just beginning to live my life. It’s a hard struggle and I must reiterate, we have to become Child Advocates. Our children need us to be there for them. To protect them and keep them safe. Please, Let’s help them before it’s too late.

written by Joan Nyobe

Posted in Children | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

After the Baptism

Posted on September 6, 2010 by
Being Baptized has brought new changes in my life. I no longer have patience for foolishness,
However, I am still working on patience and pray for tolerance as others tolerate me. I have forgiven all of the people
who have wreaked havoc in my life. I have forgiven all of the molesters from my past. I have forgiven all of the people who have physically abused me and I have forgiven myself for all the self destruction I have put in myself in dealing with all that has happened to me. I have asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me and my request has been granted because I forgave everyone else including myself. I was born of sin and will be a sinner until the day I die. However, I am working hard on my main points of sin. Using profanity, losing patience, fornication, smoking, and sinful thoughts. Satan would love for me to fall down and fall short of my blessings. I rebuke satan everyday in the name of Jesus. As he tries to creep in my daily thoughts, I have to rebuke him constantly. God is here for all of us. He created us and He loves us. All he wants is for us to love Him back and follow Him. He would never steer us wrong and He will always take us in the right direction if we let Him. He’s a jealous God. He won’t allow us to
love Him and love material things or love Him while being caught up in wordly things.
We must make a choice for our ultimate salvation depends on it. Yes, we will die in this life filled with imperfections.
But God has plans for His followers. A condition of perfection and an everlasting “New” life awaits those who want to follow God and His Goodness. Love everyone and Hate no one. That’s God’s Law. We must separate ourselves from wordly things.
We must stop fornicating and wait on God to bring us the right mate for us. It may get lonely while waiting but patience is one trait that God adores. Taking a page from Job has taught me that with patience comes blessings and rewards. God knows what we need and He will take care of us. Just talk to Him. He is very kind and loving. He will answer back. If your life is in shreds, He will fix it. Just give God a chance. He is incapable of lying and He is incapable of letting us down. He may not give us what we want. But, He will give us what we need!
written by Joan Nyobe
Posted in Spiritual | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

A Fake Smile!

Posted on May 24, 2010 by

Have you ever took the time to notice people when they smile at you? Have you ever wondered if the smile was a genuine smile or a fake smile? Well, I have been observing for years now and can definitely tell the difference. And, I feel that I must share this distinction with you so that you, too, will be able to distinguish the two.

When a person smiles at a comment or just at your presence, watch that smile and time it! Yes, use a stopwatch if you must. If the smile disappears within a nano second, IT IS A FAKE SMILE!   Genuine smiles are seen from the eyes. The eyes smile too. Many people don’t understand that. If your heart is genuine, when you smile, your eyes will smile too.

Why would people bother giving a fake smile? Its a facade created to mask their true feelings. The heart can not lie so you can instantly see when a smile is genuine. True smiles can last up to 60 seconds or longer. Where fake smiles disappear almost instantly.

All in all, you want to know who is real and who is fake! The distinction further enhances your effectiveness in communication. For example, if the person is phony, you know to avoid that person, period. Come on, life is too short for the foolishness. Why would you want to be a fake and phony individual.

Posted in Life, Relationship | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Love and Loyalty

Posted on May 8, 2010 by

Love and Loyalty goes hand in hand.

Why keep secrets?

All dirt comes out in the wash.

If you love your significant other,

don’t blow it with lies and deceit.

Be open and honest!

Allow the sweet aroma of positive

energies to take over. Enhance your perspective.

Throw caution to the wind,

be honest if you dare.

There is no other feeling in the world

more fulfilling than honesty.

Written by Joan Nyobe

Posted in Life, Relationship | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Letting Go!

Posted on May 2, 2010 by

Letting go of the past is not an easy feat. You are never really able to say “Goodbye” and really let go. Especially if your past is particularly painful. Post traumatic stress disorder can thwart any realistic efforts at getting past the hurt. For me, I lashed out. I lashed out at the one person who had absolutely no hand in the incidents that occurred. But still, I lashed  at myself.

I sabotaged my growth, picked dead end relationships, used drugs of different variety, and nearly sucked the life out of myself. I won’t say age has anything to do with it. However, as I grow older, I mature and see things differently than I did in my youth. Half my life is gone and I had to say, “Enough!” I am so sick of beating myself up that it is no longer a viable option for me.

The first step to “Letting Go” is to forgive everyone who has hurt you. That took years for me because there were so many that “Hurt” me, I had to take that one at a time. I wrote inside a card to one perpetrator and sent it to him while he was in the hospital. One family member/perpetrator was confronted in front of immediate family. Most, were forgiven in my mind because for one reason or another, they past away. Once, you forgive, there is this huge weight that comes off your shoulders.

The last person you have to forgive and is ultimately the hardest is that of self forgiveness. I am stuck in this step because even though I know the incidents, child molestation, bullying, sexual assault, rape, sexual harassment, etc., were not my fault. Yet, I can’t forgive myself for not doing anything to prevent any of that from happening.  I could have screamed as a child. ( I did tell an adult 2 times and nothing happened) I just feel like I could have done more. The incidents still replay in my mind.

I suppose that once I do succeed past self forgiveness, a new level of peace should emerge. I have just begun strong boundaries for myself. I’m not in a relationship because I demand honesty now and have zero tolerance with secrets. But what I want most is to build a relationship with myself. I’m pretty sure I can trust me now. No more beating me up was a milestone for me. The forgiveness of others was a piece of cake in comparison.

 

written by Joan Farley Nyobe

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments