Why Me?

My mother is 70 years old and for the last couple of years there has been this  Dr. Jekyll and Hyde personality going on. I have never moved out on my own, which is my biggest regret. At first, I stayed because I had three babies and needed the help. The fathers had all taken a hike and left me holding the bag. Then as my mother approached 60, I knew that we needed to be here for her. She and my father separated 27 years ago. We seemed like sisters. We were so close. But then I started getting depressed and felt like I was trapped in a box. She treats me like one of the kids and get this, she wants me to pay rent. Rent would be fine IF, I had freedom to see who I wanted to see, come and go as I please and essentially have full autonomy of my own life. I don’t have a lock on my bedroom door so any can come in at whim. Sometimes catching me completely naked because of hot flashes. I can’t have company because they are scrutinized harshly by my mother. I have to be home by midnight or stay out all night. And get this, I have to beg for a bath or to get my clothes washed. Why am I still here? God only knows. I have used this home as my safety net. Even when I was drugging and pill popping, this was the net where I could come and get myself together. However, now that I have accomplished and conquered my demons, I find myself trapped. Mostly because my credit is ruined. My mother knows that my options are null right now and she uses it to her advantage. When company comes over, she attempts to put me in a bad light. Then I will walk away. However, if I were to win the discussion, taking myself out of the bad light with company and they leave feeling intellectually inspired by me, then she’ll gets angry at me for no reason and attack me. She bit me in December and scratched me in January just because I didn’t want to stand like a child and listen to her ramble on about what a fucked up and trifling human being I am. Yet, I have my own business that I generated myself that pays off by how much time I put in to it. Because I don’t have a car at the moment, I have to beg her to allow MY daughter to take me out to get jobs done. She wants me to pay my daughter to take me everywhere I go however, because she dictates when my daughter takes me out, it’s sporadic. So are my payments. The overall stress of these mental and physical hoops I have to endure is what started the self destructive behavior I circumvented for exactly 10 years.  I  used to try to kill myself…4 times. But that is no longer an option for me because God is leading me out of this darkness. I will continue this when I get back. I have been invited to take a long shower at a friends house and I’m going for it. I am back from the longest luxurious hot shower that felt so good. And my friend induced stimulating conversation on the way home. Enough so that he gave me two possible solutions that may solve a huge issue that will be discussed with you in greater detail, especially if the resolutions work out successfully. I feel a surge of renewed energy because someone listened to my problems besides my man and gave me positive feedback.

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About jfarley53

Being 56 is wonderful. I have so many new and jumbled insights on life.
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