Letting Go!

Letting go of the past is not an easy feat. You are never really able to say “Goodbye” and really let go. Especially if your past is particularly painful. Post traumatic stress disorder can thwart any realistic efforts at getting past the hurt. For me, I lashed out. I lashed out at the one person who had absolutely no hand in the incidents that occurred. But still, I lashed  at myself.

I sabotaged my growth, picked dead end relationships, used drugs of different variety, and nearly sucked the life out of myself. I won’t say age has anything to do with it. However, as I grow older, I mature and see things differently than I did in my youth. Half my life is gone and I had to say, “Enough!” I am so sick of beating myself up that it is no longer a viable option for me.

The first step to “Letting Go” is to forgive everyone who has hurt you. That took years for me because there were so many that “Hurt” me, I had to take that one at a time. I wrote inside a card to one perpetrator and sent it to him while he was in the hospital. One family member/perpetrator was confronted in front of immediate family. Most, were forgiven in my mind because for one reason or another, they past away. Once, you forgive, there is this huge weight that comes off your shoulders.

The last person you have to forgive and is ultimately the hardest is that of self forgiveness. I am stuck in this step because even though I know the incidents, child molestation, bullying, sexual assault, rape, sexual harassment, etc., were not my fault. Yet, I can’t forgive myself for not doing anything to prevent any of that from happening.  I could have screamed as a child. ( I did tell an adult 2 times and nothing happened) I just feel like I could have done more. The incidents still replay in my mind.

I suppose that once I do succeed past self forgiveness, a new level of peace should emerge. I have just begun strong boundaries for myself. I’m not in a relationship because I demand honesty now and have zero tolerance with secrets. But what I want most is to build a relationship with myself. I’m pretty sure I can trust me now. No more beating me up was a milestone for me. The forgiveness of others was a piece of cake in comparison.


written by Joan Farley Nyobe

About jfarley53

Being 56 is wonderful. I have so many new and jumbled insights on life.
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4 Responses to Letting Go!

  1. ainiesam27 says:

    I think you said everything in your mind. I for one has a hard time forgiving others but soon as I realized that I’m giving only pain to myself, it’s more that I realize that I was only doing things that hurt me most. I’m still young to conclude on things & on life on my own but I guess what you said is right, one great milestone that I should take is self forgiveness.

  2. OK good to see- interesting blogs are always helpful! Peace.

  3. I think other website proprietors should take this web site as an model, very clean and great user genial style and design, let alone the content. You are an expert in this topic!

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