I have a renewed heart as I have paid my dues in this life. I have been molested as a child, virginity taken in date rape, sexually assaulted as an adult, sexually harassed and have not had a successful relationship to date. Through the abuse of drugs (Pharmacological and Street drugs) , self loathing and self destruction, three nervous breakdowns and four suicide attempts. I was crazy with pain and turmoil. It was not until I got down on my knees and begged YAH, crying for Him to take control of my life, and clear up the madness that had consumed me, that He came and changed my life for the better. Age 49 was a turning point for me. It’s where I took all the negative energy and turned it into positive energy. My heart is finally unburdened and I feel free. Free to write and hopefully help others who’s soul is in turmoil. YAH is good and I give all the praise to Him who created me.
I can’t fully explain the changes that YAH made in me but I’m different now. I feel everything, spiritually. My heart is filled with enough love, to love the whole world. All the pain and resentments from my past are gone. I have forgiven all the perpetrators of my past. And, I pray that everyone could feel this uplifting of their soul, as I have been so blessed. YAH gave me a clean heart. And, He gave me a pure heart to help those who want to be helped. Being angry and resentful is no longer apart of my equation.
Because of the changes in my persona, I no longer tolerate drama on any level. I laugh and make a joyful noise. Many misinterpret my glee for silliness and immaturity but I assure you, I am not silly or immature. My heart is just done with the bull crap. I don’t waste time being angry. I don’t waste time mulling over things I can’t change. I feel my first 49 years were squandered (However, I feel those squandered years were necessary to get here, where I am now) and I want to take the rest of my years and enjoy life, qualitatively. I want people around me that share this same philosophy. Life is for the living. Living in Yahuah is living!
My mom is 73 and my dad died at age 79. I gave my dad his attention while he was alive. And I help my mom all I can with her needs, while she is alive. My children are all grown up and my oldest son has moved out to start his own life. I want to be present to experience their joys and woes. I am very protective of them and do not want them exposed to unnecessary rifts from outside influences. But, they have to learn and grow. I am easy going. I work hard and I play hard. I don’t bother anyone and I don’t want anyone to bother me. My mother promised me that my children would never go through what I went through and she kept that promise. My children have not been sexually molested or had their socialization tainted. For that, I am always grateful to my mother.
A potential life mate for me is one who share in my renewed spirit. He has to be intelligent and insightful. He has to be loving and warm. He has to have YAH in his heart and life has to mean something to him. If this man does not exist, I am prepared to live a life of singleness that’s free of fornication. I embrace celibacy, wholeheartedly. If I see any traces of mental issues or mental obstacles whatsoever, I’m running. Because I have no room for that anymore. I’m not jumping through any hoops or listening to any carnival music in dealing with anyone. If you have issues or drama, keep it moving. And please miss me with all of that. I trust YAHUAH to bring me that future mate, if it’s for me and according to YAH’s will. I am going to enjoy my life and the time that I have left. YAH gave me a gift of writing and with that, I write to keep my soul cleansed. I don’t know what direction my writing will go in but I will allow YAH to direct that path as well.
I continue to pray that YAH’s Will take shape in my life as I grow in my faith. Elohim’s love is real and if you want great changes in your life, sincere prayer and a humbled heart are required. YAH is there and He is waiting for you to come to Him. Many are called but few are chosen.
by Joan Farley Nyobe